Tag Archives: Premature Birth

Sorry Not Sorry

Today I am not sorry I suffer with mental health issues. I didn’t choose them, no matter what some people think. I don’t necessarily have a bad attitude – and when I do, it has nothing to do with my mental illnesses.

Today, I”m not sorry I am a trauma survivor. I didn’t choose to endure the traumas I endured. These traumas and the resulting mental health symptoms do not make me weak. They do not make me not resilient. People can be resilient and suffer from mental health issues or trauma-related symptoms nonetheless.

Some people choose to believe that the fact that I don’t live up to my intellectual potential, means I’m not resilient. They reason that, if I were persistent enough, I would have finished university and had a job by now. They also judge my lack of persistence in these areas as a sign of a bad attitude.

Today, I’m not sorry I live with multiple disabilities. I don’t care whether you consider these disabilities valid or not. The people who judge me, think I use my disabilities as an excuse not to fulfill their expectations of me. They don’t realize that it’s my life and I have absolutely zero obligation to fulfill their dreams for me. No, not even when these people are my parents. I have no obligation to prove I am worthy of life.

People who don’t know me well commonly assume I must be very resilient for the mere fact that I’m alive. I didn’t use to like this attitude either, but then I read today’s post by carol anne, which inspired this post. Both of us were born prematurely. Both of us suffer with lifelong disabilities as a result. Both of us endured childhood trauma. Doesn’t the fact that we survived and haven’t succumbed, mean we’re pretty resilient? I think it does. We’re badass!

Mother As Source

I was finally able to read The Emotionally Absent Mother again, since transferring it from my computer to my iPhone. Until I did this, I was unable to read any of my EPUB eBooks, because the program I used for it was no longer supported by my screen reader. I missed reading this book in particular, since it had a lot of eye-opening questions in it. I last wrote about it last August, when I shared about good enough mother messages. Now, I am moving on in the book and starting with the roles good enough mothers have. The first one is mother as source.

This section starts with the assertion that mother is what we’re made of. It goes on to assert that, both literally and on a more spiritual level, we come from mother. Literally, we come out of her womb. Spiritually, nature is often seen as coming from the ocean, which is in mythology seen as a mother goddess.

This whole assertion seems a bit off to me. Like I said in my post last August, I was raised primarily by my father as a child. Obviously, I came from my mother’s womb, but this is hard to imagine.

One of the thought-provoking questions in this section is to imagine yourself in your mother’s womb. If you can’t imagine this, you are encouraged to imagine being engulfed by her energy. This gave me uneasy feelings. I have never felt able to see that I come from my mother. In fact, my parents used to joke that the neonatologist brought me into the world, not my mother.

Good enough mother-sources are able to create a positive and welcoming environment for their children with their presence. They make the child feel proud to be of her. As such, the next question in the book is whether you wanted to be similar to your mother or as different as possible (or anything in between). If someone were to say you’re so like your mother, would you be proud?

I have to clarify here that my mother herself didn’t and still doesn’t have the healthiest self-esteem. She used to say, and it came across only half jokingly, that I inherited all my bad characteristics from her and all the good ones from my father. As untrue as this is, I didn’t grow up feeling proud to be like my mother, because she didn’t convey that she had any characteristics to be proud of.

With respect to my father, who primarily raised me, I wanted to be like him as much as possible. Until I was an adolescent, I saw my father as the ultimate embodiment of success and every other positive quality. Then I started realizing that he too has his flaws. I now feel more closely related to my mother than to him.

The next question is whether you can imagine being proud to be of your mother. Do you identify yourself in relation to her? My short answer to this is “No”. I identify myself more in relation to my mother-in-law than my own mother.

In short, I do not feel my mother was able to be a good enough source. Of course, physically she wasn’t, by no fault of her own. By this I mean that all her pregnancies were complicated and the one with me ended in my premature birth. I don’t want to say that somehow she rejected me, because I know she didn’t. Once I was born, in fact, I was more unconditionally – or should I say less conditionally? – welcomed by her than by my father.

Of course, the stress of having had four pregnancy losses prior to being pregnant with me, could’ve caused her body to be less welcoming to a fetus. That, however, and I want to be very clear about this, isn’t her fault, or anyone’s fault. There is nothing my mother did to cause my premature birth!

Preverbal Trauma

Today, I wrote in a Facebook group about preverbal trauma. I know for a fact that I endured a lot that could have caused PTSD from birth on. I was born prematurely, spent the first three months of my life in hospital and was hospitalized several more times before the age of five.

About seven or eight years ago, I started experiencing body memories that I immediately associated with a medical emergency that I endured at age four. At the time, my trachea closed up and I as a result had difficulty breathing. I never completely repressed that memory, always knew that it’s something that actually did happen.

So I wonder if I made said association because it makes more sense than connecting the body memory to preverbal trauma. I mean, preverbal trauma is very controversial, because people do not form that clear memories until the age of three. That doesn’t mean people cannot be affected by preverbal trauma. It just means the memory is hard to recover.

I have alters. About six years ago, an alter emerged that is constantly curled up in a fetal position. We don’t know more about her. A seven-year-old alter who also emerged around that same time talks about that alter as a baby in the incubator. Now of course babies in incubators are not in the fetal position, so yeah.

Still, it all makes me wonder whether I’m making all this trauma stuff up. I mean, yes, I was born prematurely. Yes, I spent three months in hospital and had repeated re-admissions before the age of five. But my parents say that until age seven, I was completely fine and carefree. I mean, it’s not like everyone who endured trauma develops PTSD. So could it be I’m just making this whole preverbal trauma thing up?

In a preemie parent support group, I asked whether anyone has experience with their child getting EMDR for medical trauma. I have always wondered whether EMDR could help me. It was recommended when I had just been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder in 2010. Then I heard it’s not recommended unless you’re very stable otherwise. Well, the consultant I talked with on Monday said that’s no longer the case. So maybe I could benefit from it. Several parents responded about reading their child a “life story” about their birth and hospital stay while the psychologist did the EMDR. Since my parents aren’t very supportive, I cannot ask them to help me with this, but I could create my own life story based on what my alers tell me.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 8, 2018)

This week, I’m once again joining in with Weekend Coffee Share. On the surface, I don’t have much to write about, but I’ll try anyway.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask you how you have been. It’s sometimes hard for me to remember this, but when I’m feeling like I’m now, I’d genuinely much rather hear about your day than share about mine. Since I don’t know who will be joining me for coffee, as this is just a writing exercise, this is rather fruitless though.

If we were having coffee, I’d try to share how off I’ve been feeling lately. Most people notice right away, but it’s hard for me to put my finger onto what is going on. I guess I may be in a prolonged freeze mode. This is one of Pete Walker’s four types of trauma responses and it describes a state of dissociation. I’m so disconnected from myself that I can’t even tell who I am right now. I mean, yes, I respond to the name given to me at birth, but I hardly connect that name, or any of y alters’ names, to my current experience.

I don’t know what triggered it. I’m not having flashbacks. I’m not even having memories that aren’t full-blown visual flashbacks. Rather, I retreat into my own inner world with a book. Currently, this is Where Has Mummy Gone? by Cathy Glass. This is a very sad foster care memoir. I know I’m supposed to feel sympathy for the child who is the main character in this memoir and on some level I do, but it’s all very distant.

If we were having coffee, I’d then chatter on about random happenings. I’d share that I did finally go on the elliptical yesterday evening after not having been on it in over a week. I’d share that we had pizza for dinner yesterday. It was salami day or so I’ve heard, so I had a delicious salami pizza.

If we were having coffee, ‘d tell you that yesterday marked 130 years since the first incubator was used for a baby. My mother posted that on my timeline on Facebook last night. Since I was born prematurely and spent time in an incubator myself, this is rather intriguing to me.

If we were having coffee, I’d try to round up the conversation then, because I feel my shoulder hurting badly, so I want to do some exercise.

How is your weekend going so far?

Share Your World-Revisited (September 3, 2018)

I’m joining in with Share Your World – Revisited. It’s revisited because it’s now with a new host. I realize I’ve only participated in the original SYW once, so for me this isn’t a huge transition. For Sparks’ first week, she has a few really good questions to spark (pun intended) our creative thinking.

When you are old, what do you think children will ask you to tell stories about? If you are “old” (a term with different meanings for everyone); what stories do you tell your grandchildren?
I don’t have children and don’t ever intend on having any. I also don’t tend to gravitate towards children, so I don’t tell any outside kids any stories and probably never will. That being said, I love reading stories to my inner children. I don’t make them up myself though. I love free children’s books on Amazon Kindle. May post (or have my inner children post) some thoughts on some of them someday.

When did something start out badly for you but in the end, it was great?
My life. No, it isn’t necessairly great, but it’s better than it started out as. I was, after all, born prematurlely and had to be on the ventilator for six weeks. I’m now pretty content with life and above all, I’m here.

What do you think you are much better at than you actually are? Maybe this one’s kinda mean…thoughts?
English and writing. No, I’m not fishing for compliments. I used to write stories as a teen and thought I’d someday be a published writer. Then my husband told me my stories aren’t all that imaginative and he’s probably right. I did get one piece published in an anthology, but it was non-fiction.

As for English, my husband is able to take a test that guesses your level of German fluency that’s itself in English and scores at C1/C2 level (those are the two highest levels). I don’t speak German at all, but sometimes I think I could reach that level of English fluency. Well, I can’t.

What would be the worst thing to hear as you are going under anesthesia before surgery?
“I guess she makes for a good experimentation object.” Seriously though, I don’t know.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.
Seeing my riding school horse Angie for the first time after summer break.

How to Proceed in Our Mental Health Treatment

So we met with our nurse practitioner for dialectical behavior therapy again. This was our first session since I started considering dropping out. I am still unsure as to what I want, but I’m pretty sure that just working the manual in a very structured way isn’t working for me. I also wondered out loud how long this treatment is going to take and whether I think it’s worth it. With regards to this, my nurse practitioner explained that behavor change takes a long time because we learned our patterns from babyhood on.

We started discussing the “pieces”, as we call the alters when talking with our treatment team. My nurse practitioner said he wants to discuss this with the psychiatrist. I doubt much will come out of that, as the psychiatrist keeps the status quo as to whether we’re dissociative or not. She most likely believes we’re not, but wants to bring it diplomatically.

We went some into our original trauma, which involves my parents not having been given a choice as to whether I should be actively treated after my premature birth. They weren’t sure themselves and were told the doctors were keeping me alive and not to interfere or they’d lose parental rights.

My nurse practitioner also mentioned a book and movie about a person with multiple personalities (possibly Sybil). I am pretty sure my psychiatrist is going to stomp that association right out of him, as like I said, she probably doesn’t believe I’m dissociative.

After leaving the session, we were pretty unquiet. Katinka tried taking over from Clarissa, who usually does DBT, to get back into daily functioning mode. That was only partly successful. Our support coordinator arrived ten minutes after we got home and we were still pretty unquiet. We were able to calm down eventually and enjoy a walk.

In the evening, when our husband got home, we discussed the session with him and asked him to come to our next psychiatrist’s appointment on Tuesday. The original reason the psychiatrist had asked him to come is that she’d gotten the impression that we have relationship struggles. That upset my husband, of course. I finally managed to say that I want to discuss where to go from here regarding treatment.

There are several options. I could proceed as I have until now, which seems like the least productive option. I could stop going to therapy altogether or just stay with the team for med management and the ability to call someone when not feeling well. Or I could do more supportive therapy focusing on my emotional pain. This then could again be focused on several aspects of my life and it could or could not involve the “pieces”. I think that last option sounds best to me, but since it wouldn’t likely be based on a protocol such as DBT, I don’t think my psychiatrist would accept this. A fourth option, which I just realized when talking to someone on Facebook, is staying with my current team for med management and crisis support and going to another therapist for formal psychotherapy. I don’t think that’s a realistic otpion though.