Today, I am joining in with Five Minute Friday (FMF), for which the word today is “More”. I regularly read the posts from other bloggers there, but rarely join in, as I”m not a practising Christian. I do believe in God, but am generally a lot more progressive than most Christians and do not like the practical requirements and political implications of organized religion. This feels odd to me sometimes. I crave spiritual guidance.
I found out through Five Minute Friday today about Betsy Cruz’s Book More of God and the title struck a chord.
I want more of God. I want more of a spiritual life. I feel I should be engaging in meditation and prayer more, but I don’t.
I also feel I want to connect to other believers more, but feel generally left out because I’m too progressive. I was kicked out of an apparently conservative Christian blogging community when I mentioned (without condoning it) the possibility of connecting to a higher power other than God in a post on my old blog. I felt sad about that, so I got angry with the Christian blogosphere and by extension with christianity as a whole. I wanted no more Jesus. But yet I do.
Jesus didn’t kick me out of that community. He loves me (and I’m sorry if this gets me kicked out of FMF too) even if I don’t follow the rules of conservative Christianity. He can and does help me find inspiration in life. I want more of Him.
This week’s Five Minute Friday prompt is “potential”. That definitely has me thinking. Kate Motaung, the woman behind the FMF challenge, wrote about the potential in a nine-month-old child. The potential to become anything. I loved this perspectve.
I am 32-years-old. Does this mean I can no longer grow? Not at all! My full potential is still waiting for me to unpack the gift that it is.
The prompt had me thinking. Often, one’s full potential is determined in terms fo success, of how much money you make, how many college degrees you’ve got, etc. At least it’s in my case. As such, I still do not feel that I’ve reached my full potential.
In other respects though, I have. I have for the most part let go of the limiting power of thhis “full potential” rhetoric that values success over happiness. I would very much like to grow, but not when it’s enforced by other people’s seemingly “objective” standards of what my potential should be.
This, as always, took me more than five minutes to write. I’m not that fast of a writer yet. Maybe I’ll be able to reach that goal at some point. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Last week, I had a meeting with my nurse practitioner. We discussed my experience of being multiple, of having roughly 25 different selves. We also went into part of the reason I’m like this: childhood trauma.
There are selves who are pretty loyal to my parents. They keep wanting to call them, visit them. They keep worrying about what happens to them shoudl they fall ill. My parents are in their sixties, so it is pretty well possible that their health will fail anytime within the foreseeable future. Of course, I don’t hope so and they’re still pretty active, but well, religion aside, no-one has eternal life.
Then there are parts who have stopped caring about loyalty and who are focusing on me. One of these selves emerged shortly after my grandma’s death last May. This event seemed to be cathartic, having caused me, or at least that part of me, to let go of the idea that my parents will ever be what I wish them to be. Just like I won’t be what my parents wished me to be, they won’t be what I wished them to be.
This split between wanting to be loyal to my parents and wanting to move on with life and my own process, also comes to light on this blog. I usually write pretty openly about my experiences, but each time I keep wondering what my parents will think if they ever read this. Part of me doesn’t care, as I’m not lying about my experiences or feelings. Part of me feels I’ve been scapegoated enough that I have a right to tell the truth even if it hurts. Yet part of me still feels I have to be loyal, show respect, honor the people who brought me into this world.
Linking up with Five Minute Friday. The word for this week is “loyal”.