Five Years

Today marks five years since our DID diagnosis got removed and changed to BPD. I’m not sure how to feel about it. I mean, that diagnosis was most likely incorrect but so is the BPD (which later got downgraded to BPD traits, which I do think we have but then again who doesn’t?). I mean, we rarely if ever experience amnesia and don’t go around disclosing ourselves when it’s not safe, but we do clearly exist as multiple identities.

Besides, the therapist who diagnosed us with DID at least took us more seriously than any before or after her (except for maybe our current psychiatrist, whom we just came out to three weeks ago). She didn’t allow us to be out with the nursing staff, which was okay’ish with us, but she did allow all of us to talk to her and didn’t try to fit us in a therapeutic box. The therapist who changed our diagnosis to BPD did, mislabeling Jane as a “punitive parent” and telling her to go away.

We at one point insisted on getting formal testing for DID. The therapist administered the SCID-D (a structured interview for diagnosing dissociation) to us but never finished the report. I wish she had even if it showed we’re fake. I mean, we have a right to information, don’t we? She also never responded to our E-mail, once our diagnosis was changed, asking her whether she’d ever suspected BPD in us.

I feel really odd now. I don’t know where we’re headed with regards to our mental health treatment. It’s all so scary. What if we’re really all imaginary? Since it’s unlikely we’ll ever be diagnosed with a dissociative disorder or get related trauma treatment again, will we ever learn to not exist?

A while back, someone asked in an FB group what happens to those misdiagnosed with DID after they get de-diagnosed. Whether their parts vanish. I don’t know really what I hope happens to us. I mean, we’ve tried to hide for a long time after our diagnosis got changed, but it was unsuccessful. We’ve tried to identify with the natural/endogenic multiple community before, since we felt not having a diagnosis meant we shouldn’t intrude upon the DID community. That was unsuccessful too. Does the fact that we can’t hide successfully for a long time mean we’re real after all, or does it mean I’m just terribly stubborn? I initially wrote “we” instead of “I”, but of course if we’re fake, we are not we anymore and never have been.