Category Archives: Random

Celexa #SoCS

Today’s prompt for #SoCS is “cele”. Choose a word that starts with it and go from there. I initially chose “celebrate”, but I got stuck before I even introduced my topic. Then it hit me, I’d have to choose another word: Celexa. I bet this isn’t as common a choice as “celebrate”, which I’ve seen with at least one other blogger.

Celexa is the antidepressant I’ve taken for over eight years and counting. Its generic name is citalopram. It is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), the most commonly used type of antidepressant. It is known to help with both depression and some with obsessive and compulsive behaviors. Not that I have those a lot, but I do suffer with depression quite a bit.

That being said, I hadn’t even been diagnosed with depression when I was first put on this medication. It was used as an adjuvant to my antipsychotic, Abilify, when two increases in the dose didn’t calm my anxiety-induced irritability.

Years later, I was diagnosed with depression. This gave me the courage to finally ask for a dose increas of my Celexa. I had already had five dose increases in my Abilify and was at the highest dose, but no-one bothered to look beyond my irritability anymore. In fact, I am not sure the psychiatrist who initially put me on Celexa did.

In May of 2018, I got put on my current dose of 40mg. This is so far working quite well. I mean, even with the bad news I received this past week – and trust me, it was very bad, distressing news -, I am not falling into the pit of depression. I’m pretty sure that without my high dose of Celexa, I’d have spiraled out of control. And I don’t need that happening if I want the situation, which the bad news was about, to work out.

The Friday Four

I am struggling a lot. I got some really bad news, but I cannot share it publicly at this point. This has caused me a lot of stress, but it did get me to revive my offline journal, which I keep in an app called Dyrii on my iPhone. I have the app on my Mac too, but haven’t yet fully figured it out on there.

That being said, my not being able to share what’s on my mind publicly, did keep me from writing on this blog at all. To get myself back into the writing habit, I am participating in A Guy Called Bloke’s Friday Four. I get the impression that this is the last installment in the series for now, so I’m rather late to the party. I like the questions though.

1] If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?
I prefer to be with someone to talk to and for them to cheer me up, but I often act like I prefer to be left alone. I tend to withdraw when depressed.

2] What’s the one thing that people always misunderstand about you?
The (lack of) significance of my being of above-average verbal intelligence. I got a bad reminder of this last week (the stressor I cannot share about here). For those who don’t know, I have an above-average verbal IQ, but struggle in almost every other area of cognitive, social and emotional development, adaptive behavior, etc.

3] What do you think about when you’re by yourself?
Usually the current stressor du jour, which often involves the future.

4] What are three things you value most about a person?
Kindness, compassion, respect.

Bonus Series 1 Question
If heaven is real and you died tomorrow, would you get in?
Yes, because I believe there’s no special requirement to get into Heaven (like accepting some kind of savior) and I’m not an altogether evil person.

Share Your Merry World (December 10, 2018)

I am still in the mood to write, but am still a little uninspired. I love the
Share Your World
challenge though. This week, Melanie has really interesting questions for it.

What’s the worst topping you could put on popcorn? (credit to Teresa for this one)
Mustard, LOL. Melanie answered hot sauce, but I wouldn’t mind that as much. I’m still not fully recovered from my husband’s kale macaroni, on which I chose mustard as a condiment. Such a mistake!

In what country did Silent Night originate?
I have no idea and am too lazy to look it up.

How would you react if there was irrefutable proof that God doesn’t exist? How about if there was irrefutable proof that God does exist?
I wouldn’t change much either way. I am not sure what I believe regarding the existence of a living, actually-involved-in-our-lives God, although I think the idea is comforting. However, the fact that I do not subscribe to any organized religion and do not feel that morality is based on God, means I would probably still live my life here on Earth as I do now whether God exists or not.

And last question:
What is the scariest non banned item you could take on to a plane?
Uhm, my white cane? I have no idea really.

Which version of the holiday celebration do you and your family enjoy? By this I mean do you follow Jewish traditions with Hanukkah; Christian celebrations with Christmas and (for those over the pond) Boxing Day; or some other festivities that I’ve overlooked? Please do share with everyone!
We celebrate Christmas, although I don’t care about any of the traditions that much. It’s just one of two good opportunities to see my parents and sister. My birthday in June is the other.

Queen of Questions (December 9, 2018)

I have a ton of blog post ideas floating around in my mind, but I cannot get ahold of one. Teresa’s questions for today are very inspiring too, so I’m just going with those.

1. What was your favorite subject in school?
Math for most of elementary school and the first year of secondary school too. Then it became too difficult.

2. Sleigh ride, snowmobile, or something else?
Sleigh ride. I loved riding our little play sleigh back when I was a child. I’d love to someday ride a real big sleigh.

3. If you were a disney character, which one would you be?
I don’t know that many Disney movies, but the one that comes to mind now is Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Not that I ever saw the movie, but my father used to read us the fabulous book.

4. What is the meaning of life?
I’m still learning. Maybe that’s the meaning of life.

5. What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten?
I don’t really eat any strange foods, because I’m a rather picky eater. My husband’s kale macaroni with mustard comes to mind though. The choice to add mustard was mine and it was a bad choice.

6. Puppy, kitten, piglet, or baby goat?
Baby goat. I saw them at the petting farm a few times growing up. I love kittens and puppies too though. My husband raised a cat from kittenhood on before I lived with him. The cat, now five-years-old, no longer lives with us.

7. If you were auditioning for an Idol show, what would you sing (imagine you can sing if you can’t)?
I’m a Survivor by Reba McEntire, of course.

8. What is your favorite cartoon?
I don’t watch cartoons. I like Sesame Street though if that counts.

9. Randy Rainbow – what is your favorite song?
Until I read another blogger’s answers to these questions, I’d never heard of Randy Rainbow. I’m too lazy to look him up though, so I’m going to pass this one.

Queen of Questions (December 7, 2018)

A few days ago, I discovered The Haunted Wordsmith’s Queen of Questions. In it, the author posts a set of questions each day for other bloggers to answer. I badly wanted to answer the questions that day, but didn’t get to do so back then. Now I’m participating for the first time.

1. You have to take the setting from one book, plot from another, and characters from a third to create a new book: What did you take?
I am not that much of a fiction reader, so I really have no idea how to go about this one.

2. What is your favorite candle scent?
Oh, I love love love scented candles! Or rather, wax melts, as candles are a bit risky for me to use. I have a lot of favorites. Now that I think of it, I think my all-time favorite is the Cappuccino Truffle one from Yankee Candle, although Mango Peach Salsa is also great.

3. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
Yoghurt with crunchy muesli and some fruit in it, especially blueberries. I must say though that I eat this combination mostly for dessert when at my in-laws. For breakfast, I usually eat it without the blueberries.

4. Did you play video games in the arcade? If yes, what was your favorite (pinball counts too)?
No. I have no clue what the arcade even is. I am blind, and back when I was interested in computer games, all the accessible ones were boring.

5. Pool, darts, beer pong, or something else?
Showdown. Not that I like it, but it’s the only remotely similar game played by blind people.

6. What was the last thing you saw that made you do a double take?
I don’t really know..

7. How do you like your peanuts?
Salted but otherwise not coated. I hate the plain ones that you still have to pop out of the shell, because I’m way too lazy to do that.

8. What is your favorite lunch meat?
I don’t particularly like any kind of lunch meat, but if I have to choose, i’d go for salami.

9. Do you believe in magic?
Not really. Sometimes I try to, but it’s more of an entertainment thing than true belief.

10. What song best describes your mood right now?
Dancing Queen by ABBA. Not that I’m dancing, but I feel like it.

My Favorite Holiday

Carol anne’s most recent question of the day is about holidays. She asks us what our favorite holiday tradition is. She herself loves Christmas for its presents. My favorite holiday is also in December and we also celebrate it with presents. Today, I am going to share about that.

First of all, we’re not one for holidays. We don’t like the adjustment and lack of structure. However, we love getting presents. As such, our favorite holiday is Santa Clause. It’s celebrated here in the Netherlands on December 5.

Santa Clause is in many ways similar to Christmas in the United States. It is celebrated on December 5 in honor of St. Nicholas’ birthday. In reality, St. Nicholas, who isn’t a real saint in the Catholic church anymore, died on December 6.

Santa Clause is celebrated with lots of presents, which the Santa is said to deliver through the chimney. they are usually packaged in a surprising kind of way and it’s a tradition that Santa Clause leaves a poem for the children. These poems are intended to be a bit moralistic, telling the child what they need to learn next year to be a better child.

There is also a lot of candy that’s specific to St. Nicholas. I love most of these candies!

As young children, we of course believe that Santa Clause is real. I was about eight when I learned that he isn’t. One of my fondest childhood memories is of my father playing Santa Clause’s helper Black Peter being stuck in the chimney.

I obviously no longer believe in Santa Clause, though I’m not sure what the littles will think if I say this. As an older child, after I’d stopped believing, I found it very hard to play along with the game. Now though, I’m enjoying it. Most of my fellow clients at day activities believe in Santa Clause, which makes the holiday extra magical for me too.

Share Your World-Revisited (September 24, 2018)

I am still not very motivated to write, even though a million thoughts are floating through my mind. To get something onto this blog for today anyway, I’m participating in SYW-R, as I affectionately call the revisited Share Your World hosted by Sparks. Here are this week’s question.

Last week I asked a question about favorite beverages and the overwhelming favorite was coffee. If you drink coffee, how do you like it best? Hot, cold, iced, with cream, with sugar or black as black? If you don’t drink coffee, how has that beverage impacted YOUR world?
I do drink coffee and have since I was about six-years-old. However, I still get a hideous grin on my face whenever I drink it, as if I think it’s disgusting. To be honest, I don’t really like it, but I guess I’m addicted. I prefer my coffee black.

In your opinion, what’s the greatest invention of our age?
The computer or smartphone. I am still not the type to want to be connected all the time. I used my landline more than my cellphone until I was in my early twenties sometime around 2008. I didn’t get my first smartphone till a little over a year ago. That being said, I do love my little iPhone SE. However, I must say I still use my nearly 4 1/2-year-old Acer laptop far more. I still use Windows 8.1 with classic shell so it looks like Windows 7. I’ve been wanting to buy a new laptop and start using Windows 10 for a year, but am still waiting for my health insurance to cover a new screen reader.

Global warming? Reality or myth?
Climate change is probably real and to be expected with how much we’ve polluted the Earth over the past two centuries. I’m not knowledgeable enough to understand in what direction scientists believe now that it’s headed though. To be honest, not having children of my own makes me a little careless about this whole thing.

Are you an explorer or more a home body?
Definite homebody! I hate traveling.

What were you grateful for this week?
My amazing support workers, nurse practitioner, in-laws and most importantly my husband.

What’s Holding Me Back to Write from the Heart?

I have not written much over the past few days. It isn’t because I didn’t want to. In fact, I’ve been wanting to write a lot, but couldn’t find the right venue. I mean, if I want to write for this blog, the content has to be “blog-worthy”. Not because that was my original intent with this blog, but because I’ve become (too) focused on my audience.

“Blog-worthy”, in this respect, means being at least 300 words long, being well-constructed and not being too personal. I mean, yes, I write a lot of very personal posts by soe more general bloggers’ standards, but I still wish I could express myself more freely.

In particular, I wish I felt okay for all of the alters to write using their own names. I originally intended this blog specifically for that purpose, but I feel like I might attract negative feedback if I do this. I mean, dissociation is not your everyday mental illness.

That then has me gotten looking for private journaling apps on the iPhone and PC. I spent most of this afternoon downloading, trying and then deleting at least a dozen apps. None meet my needs. Honestly, what I’m really looking for is something that looks like WordPress but is completely private. Yes, I know I could create a protected blog, but that still feels “kind-of-public” to me.

Then again, is it truly the fear of exposing my thoughts to the public that holds me back? Or is it my inner critic holding me back regardless? I mean, I noticed an alter – a newly-emergent one -, trying to write to an E-mail list a few days ago, but she kept saying that she cannot be her.

Of course, an E-mail list still has an audience, but this was a DID list, so all members are supportive of alters posting. And yet, I feel weird. What it all boils down to, I think, is that I want people to know my thoughts, but I want people to be supportive even more. Then again, how can I elicit support if I don’t share?

So I guess from now on, I’ll try to let go of my “blog-worthiness” rule and try to write from the heart. Of course, there are still aspects of my life that I cannot share, but I cannot share those at all.

Posting Everyday #SoCS

Today’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt is “post”. I want to write about the challeng in posting everyday. I have been meaning to write at least two posts at least some of the days of the month, but don’t seem to get that done.

Like, when I started this blog in late July, in my first week, I posted thirteen times. That’s two posts a day almost everyday. Now I’m finding it hard to post everyday at all. It’s probably partly because I don’t have much of anything planned to write about. Like, I want to write from writing prompts, but then I can’t pick one.

In October, I plan to follow #Write31Days, a challenge to write everyday. That was a success on my other blog once, in 2015.

By the way, I wonder when I’ll go call my other blog my “old” blog. I still cling to it to some degree, but don’t feel like writing on it at all. I feel much more comfortable writing random ramblings than going with a partiuclar theme or writing “serious” content.

That being said, I have already picked my theme for #Write31Days. No, I won’t disclose it yet.

Last year, I did #Write31Days on autism. I was fully committed to making it work, but on October 4, landed in hospital after a medication overdose before I’d been able to write my post. I could’ve tried to catch up, but had lost my mojo altogether then. I hope that doesn’t happen this year. Then again, my husband has my medication locked away, so I’m unlikely to take another overdose.

Share Your World-Revisited (September 3, 2018)

I’m joining in with Share Your World – Revisited. It’s revisited because it’s now with a new host. I realize I’ve only participated in the original SYW once, so for me this isn’t a huge transition. For Sparks’ first week, she has a few really good questions to spark (pun intended) our creative thinking.

When you are old, what do you think children will ask you to tell stories about? If you are “old” (a term with different meanings for everyone); what stories do you tell your grandchildren?
I don’t have children and don’t ever intend on having any. I also don’t tend to gravitate towards children, so I don’t tell any outside kids any stories and probably never will. That being said, I love reading stories to my inner children. I don’t make them up myself though. I love free children’s books on Amazon Kindle. May post (or have my inner children post) some thoughts on some of them someday.

When did something start out badly for you but in the end, it was great?
My life. No, it isn’t necessairly great, but it’s better than it started out as. I was, after all, born prematurlely and had to be on the ventilator for six weeks. I’m now pretty content with life and above all, I’m here.

What do you think you are much better at than you actually are? Maybe this one’s kinda mean…thoughts?
English and writing. No, I’m not fishing for compliments. I used to write stories as a teen and thought I’d someday be a published writer. Then my husband told me my stories aren’t all that imaginative and he’s probably right. I did get one piece published in an anthology, but it was non-fiction.

As for English, my husband is able to take a test that guesses your level of German fluency that’s itself in English and scores at C1/C2 level (those are the two highest levels). I don’t speak German at all, but sometimes I think I could reach that level of English fluency. Well, I can’t.

What would be the worst thing to hear as you are going under anesthesia before surgery?
“I guess she makes for a good experimentation object.” Seriously though, I don’t know.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination.
Seeing my riding school horse Angie for the first time after summer break.