When This Is All Over: A Letter From My Future Self

I am feeling rather low right now. I am in fact struggling somewhat with suicidal thoughts. To motivate myself to keep going, I’m writing a letter as if it were say 2021 (because in 2021, everything will be okay) and I am writing to myself right now. In other words, I am writing a letter from my future self to my current self. Of course, in this letter, I’m assuming that by 2021, I’ll be in long-term care. I really hope and pray I’ll be in long-term care much sooner, but I know that at least they won’t be able to deny me funding by 2021.

Dear you,

I see you. I feel your pain. I understand 2021 seems like far away and I know you hope to be granted long-term care funding earlier. I know you need it. I know you’re struggling right now, seeing that your application is likely to be turned down. I know your support staff are fighting like lions to get you funding. Please appreciate that.

Please don’t end your life now. Things will get better. I am here, in a suitable supported housing facility, looking at you. Look at me and please give me a chance. I don’t want to be dead.

Please, for the sake of me, keep going. You’ve been through so much already. I know that isn’t particularly motivating to keep going, as each disappointment drags you further down the rabbit hole of depression. However, I am here to guide you through.

Please, for your husband, keep going. He loves you. He supported you through the twelve years up to this point and he’ll support you through the rest of the time needed to finish this thing.

Please, for your parents, keep going. They may see you as manipulative. They may have felt in 2007 that the main reason not to kill yourself is that they’d have to pay for your funeral. They no longer do, but they don’t deserve to be proven right about the manipulativeness. Please keep on fighting and show them you can be a happy, positive person.

Please, for your support staff, keep going. You have the best support coordinator you could wish for. She fights like a lioness for what you need. She believes you. Please don’t let her down.

I know you want to be included on the Autistic Memorial Blog if your suicide is successful. Fine by me but I’d rather you be a living person rather than a statistic on a blog. I know you say that your suicide might wake up the politicians and policy-makers involved in healthcare, but they’re already working on changing the law. They can’t speed up things just because you’re gone.

And what if you attempt suicide but fail? Then you’ll be exactly where you are now, except that you’ll be there to remember your parents being proven right about your manipulativeness. Because quite frankly, killing yourself for political reasons is manipulative. I know that, if you ultimately decide to attempt suicide, you’ll not be thinking about this, as you’ll most likely act in an impulse. However, I am here on your blog to remind you that, as shit as this may be, suicidality won’t get you what you want, or even what you need. Look back at yourself in 2007 for that. You might get temporary relief from the current situation, but it won’t last and you won’t be relieved from yourself, except if you truly die. Which I know isn’t what you want or need either. Please, stay safe.

Me

Song Lyric Sunday: Road

It’s Sunday and that means it’s time for our weekly dose of song lyrics with Song Lyric Sunday. I don’t participate much at all, but today, I felt like it. The theme for this week is Avenue/Boulevard/Drive/Lane/Road/Street. I didn’t immediately have a song in mind, particularly because I shared my favorite song on this theme already some months ago. I also didn’t want to choose a song that everyone would know. So for today, I’m choosing Six Days on the Road by Dave Dudley.

Dave Dudley is most popular in Hamburg, Germany, due to a German country band called Truck Stop. They have a song titled Ich möcht’ so gern Dave Dudley hör’n. I like that song better than Dave Dudley’s own songs, but that song doesn’t correspond to the theme.

Title: Six Days on the Road
Songwriter(s): Earl Green, Carl Montgomery
Singer: Dave Dudley

Well I pulled outta Pittsburgh a rollin’ down that Eastern Sea board
I got my diesel wound up and she’s a runnin’ like a never before
There’s a speed zone ahead alright well I don’t see a cop in sight
Six days on the road and I’m a gonna make it home tonight
I got me ten forward gears and my George overdrive
I’m takin’ little white pills and my eyes are open wide
I just passed a Jimmy in white been passin’ everything in sight
Six days on the road I said I’m a gonna make it home tonight
Well it seems like a month since I kissed my baby goodbye
I could have a lotta women but I’m not like that sort of a guy
I could find one to hold me tight but I could never make believe it’s alright
Six days on the road I said I’m a gonna make it home tonight
Well the ICC is a checkin’ on down the line
Well I’m a little overweight and my log book’s way behind
Cause there’s nothin’ bothers me tonight I can dodge all the scales alright
Six days on the road I said I’m a gonna make it home tonight
Well my rig’s a little old but that don’t mean she’s slow
There’s a flame from my stack and that smoke’s blowin’ black as coal
Oh well my hometown’s a comin’ in sight if you think I’m a happy you’re right
Six days on the road I said I’m a gonna make it home tonight
Six days on the road I said I’m a gonna make it home tonight
Six days on the road I said I’m a gonna make it home tonight

Silence #SoCS

#SoCS Badge

I read Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS) almost every week, but I’m not often inspired to write something for the topic. Today though, the theme is “silence/silent” and I was immediately reminded of something. As a teen, I would often go silent or “locked up inside”. I couldn’t speak. This would last for minutes to sometimes an hour. It was related to stress. I would often fall silent when talking to my tutor. He was a kind man, but he acted more like a counselor than a teacher and I couldn’t cope with his questions.

At one point, this tutor had decided he could no longer help me and he was looking for a psychologist to refer me to. He said this shrink would have to be very intelligent, because so was I. He added that he felt I was manipulating with my silence. Well I wasn’t. I was scared.

I learned when I was around seventeen about selective mutism. This is a condition that’s related to social anxiety, in which children (usually preschoolers or a little older) can speak, but won’t in certain situations, such as at school. The diagnosis is not to be made in a person who has autism, unless it is very clear that the symptoms are not merely due to autism. I was at the time not diagnosed with autism, though I was self-diagnosed. I joined support groups for parents of kids with selective mutism anyway. That’s where I learned the expression “locked up inside”.

I rarely have nonverbal episodes like this now, but I still do on occasion. Usually in this situation, a younger part is trying to come forward. I can often hear chatter in my head, but it somehow won’t cross my lips.

This situation is different from going “blank” inside, when I can still function but seem not to have any thoughts in my mind, or am detached from them. These moments usually are a lot briefer, lasting from seconds to minutes. They are also related to dissociation, like “zoning out” or something.

The tutor who witnessed most of my nonverbal episodes, indeed eventually referred me to a psychologist with the blindness rehabilitation center. Said psychologist had been educated in the Rogerian school, which is not really suited if the client is nonverbal for the most part, as I was at the time, at leasst in session. I continued to experience these nonverbal episodes for years when seeking mental health help. Now I am thankful I can sometimes talk openly in session. Not always or often, but sometimes.

It helps that my nurse practitioner asks the right questions. He phoned me yesterday for a check-in. He asked directly about possible suicidal thoughts, so I was able to be honest and say I had them, but not as badly as I’d expected given the latest in my long-term care application. I’m mostly glad I have him.

Thankful Thursday (May 30, 2019): My Mother-In-Law

It’s Thursday and I haven’t blogged in a few days. I’m feeling the pull of depression worsen and that’s not helped by the fact that I still am not done with the long-term care application process. My husband, in-laws and support staff try to remain positive, but I’m having a really hard time of it. I haven’t updated my list of alters on this blog in a while and several have recently emerged. Some seem like they’ve been around longer, but a recent disappointment in the care application process caused us to split again too. I don’t know whether that’s even possible or it’s a sign of us being a fake dissociator, but oh well.

Thursday means it’s time for Brian’s weekly Thankful Thursday blog hop. I only participated once before and that was when I’d just seemed to lose hope that my situation would ever improve. Because the long-term care laws would be changed in 2021 to allow the mentally ill access, I said that by then everything would fall into place. It looks more like that than ever now. Only thing is, I’m pretty sure I can’t hold on that long. But I digress. This post is supposed to be positive.

Today I am most thankful for my in-laws. When I got the latest disappointing news on Tuesday, my mother-in-law offered to pick me up from day activities. This was unrelated, but it couldn’t have been more coincidental. I spent the evening with her, my father-in-law and my mother-in-law’s niece, who temporarily lives with my in-laws. I spent yesterday evening there too, meaning I had to spend a manageable amount of time alone.

Today is a bank holiday and tomorrow, my day activities is closed too. Since my husband does have to work, I would’ve had to spend the day alone at home if not for my mother-in-law. She offered to come by in the morning for a cup of coffee and in the afternoon too for either tea or to take me to my in-laws’ house if my husband would be home from work late.

I am also thankful for my support coordinator and support worker. Next Monday, my day activities will be a bit short-staffed so I can’t go for the weekly Monday-morning walk, as there’s no-one to guide me. However, my support coordinator offered to come by in the afternoon to take me on a walk. She’s also been incredibly supportive of me during the latest developments. My husband said she deserves half a truck filled with Merci chocolates for all the work she does for me. And I agree. My mother-in-law deserves the other half of the truck.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 25, 2019)

And yet again, I did not write for almost an entire week. Fortunately, this time it isn’t because my depression is worse. It’s still there, mind you, but it’s not worse than it was a week ago. I don’t really know why I couldn’t find the mojo to write again. To get back into the swing of things, I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. So grab a cup of coffee and let’s catch up. That is, I’d rather have a glass of ice-cold water right now, but if you’d like a coffee, that’s fine with me too.

This week has been a bit boring but also exciting. This week was when I was supposed to get news regarding my care situation. I still can’t disclose details. That will hopefully change soon, as I did get some news and may know for sure where I’m at this coming Tuesday. For those who don’t know, I’m in the process of applying for long-term care. Please all pray and send positive vibes my way.

On Wednesday, I normally struggle at day activities, because it’s the busiest day and we have a cooking activity then. I tend to want to be in control then and struggle trying not to be bossy. This Wednesday though, I did pretty well. I was even able to help with the cooking itself.

I’ve been fairly active as far as exercise is concerned. I went swimming with my day activities group on Tuesday. I nailed my step goal (10,000 steps) on Wednesday and nearly on Thursday too. I also finally got back into the swing of going on the elliptical regularly. As such, I got over four hours of exercise this past week.

My husbband invited me out for dinner at a chicken restaurant this evening. I love love love chicken and this place didn’t disappoint. It was an hour’s drive from our home, but my husband doesn’t mind driving.

Tomorrow, I’m probably going to have a relaxing day. We might visit my in-laws, as we usually do on Saturday but didn’t today. Other than that, I’m just hoping my day will go by okay.

So You Know (May 20, 2019)

I discovered Revenge of Eve’s So You Know (S.Y.K.) last week through another participant. However, I would’ve been terribly late to participate in that week’s installment. Today, I looked up the questions for this week and am on time to join in. The idea behind S.Y.K. is that Candice, the creator, poses a set of questions, which other bloggers get to answer. Here goes.

1. How long have you blogged? What is the anniversary?
It’s complicated. I have had a blog on WordPress ever since February 21, 2007. However, I moved my content from an online diary to WordPress then, so on that blog, it looks like I’ve had a blog ever since 2002. The blog you are reading now is ten months old, with its anniversary being July 25. However, I’ve had this subdomain ever since 2011 and had a blog on it then too.

2. What was your original purpose for beginning a blog?
My original reason for transferring from an online diary to WordPresss was to make my posts less personal and more essay-like. I would put my diary-style posts under the category of “Personal”, so that my parents and others who did not want to read my navel-gazing, could skip it. My original purpose with A Multitude of Musings was the exact opposite, to have a diary where I could be completely myself (and my alters could be themselves).

3. Did you research about blogging before establishing your own?
No. I didn’t even know that some bloggers did. I started most of the blogs I’ve had so far on a whim.

4. Has your purpose evolved or changed directions? If so, what was the determining factor for the change?
My purpose is still the same, but I am more aware of my audience. This may be a reason my alters don’t feel as comfortable sharing right now.

5. What determines your measure of success as far as blogging is concerned?
I must admit I rely a little too much on my stats to determine this. I would really love to resort back to writing just for me, as I did on the online diary site, which after all didn’t even have a commenting feature. However, now that I’ve had a blog for twelve years, I cannot even write in a private diary without having an audience in mind.

A Beautiful Memory: Clowns

It looks like, even though I’m still depressed, I’m getting a little bit of my writing mojo back. I have at least been commenting more on other people’s posts and feel like I want to write again. I was inspired to write this post by a question over at Pointless Overthinking. The question was about your most beautiful memory from last year. In 2018, my most beautiful memory was of saying goodbye at my old day activities. I already posted about that when it actually happened though. For this reason, I’m choosing another memory to share.

On November 23, 2017, my old day activities organized a “day out” for all clients. The reason it was called that was because they get money to take each client on an outing each year. This hadn’t happened in years though and, with many clients being profoundly and multiply disabled, it would’ve been hard. Instead of going out with those who could do this, the staff chose to have a “day in”. They organized for two clowns to visit the center.

I attended the group for profoundly and multiply disabled people at the time. I am not profoundly disabled, but I most enjoyed the sensory activities at that group. The clowns visited us and started interacting with the clients. None of the other clients can talk, but they thoroughly enjoyed it. So did I.

In addition to the clowns visiting, the staff had organized for a snack and fries delivery truck to come by. The clients at my group couldn’t make it clear what they wanted from the truck, so at first I too was just given a particular snack. When I discovered you were actually allowed to order your own snacks and fries, and as much as you wanted, I joined the people at the more able industrial group to fetch myself snacks. It was a ton of fun.

I was reminded of this day a few weeks ago, when a staff’s ddaughter visited us practising as a clown. She was in the process of auditioning to become a hospital clown and wanted some practice. She was really good. Unfortunately, she didn’t pass the auditions though.

A Timeline of My Mental Health

And yet again, I did not write for almost an entire week. My cold is gone, but now I’m fighting the strong pull of depression. I’m having really dark images in my mind, particularly at night. During the day, I can manage, but often feel too unmotivated and/or uninspired to write.

For this reason, I dug up one of my many collections of journaling prompts. A prompt that spoke to me is to draw a timeline of my life. I’m pretty sure I did this already, but can’t remember whether it was here or on one of my old blogs. I searched this blog for “timeline” and nothing came up, so if this is a duplicate post, I’m sorry. I think I wrote a timeline of my mental health on my previous blog in 2015 or 2016, but I’m just going to write one again.

2006: This was when I entered mental health services for the first time. I had my first appointment with a psychiatry resident on December 12. I was very nervous and could hardly speak a word.

2007: The most eventful year. First, in March, I got diagnosed with autism. I started treatment with a community psychiatric nurse. In July, I started my first psychiatric medication (other than sleeping pills for a while in 2006), an antipsychotic called Risperdal. This was a week before I moved out of independence training to go live on my own. In October, I stopped my antipsychotic again. In November, I landed in a suicidal crisis and was hospitalized.

2008: I remained on the locked acute unit for this entire year. Various follow-up placements were discussed, but none wanted me.

2009: I moved to the resocialization unit.

2010: I got diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and PTSD in addition to my autism. I started medication again. First, just Abilify (an antipsychotic), but then, Celexa (an antidepressant) was added. I also was put on the waiting list for a workhome for autistic people.

2011: The workhome didn’t work out (no pun intended). Other options were unsuitable for various reasons.

2012: I started to think that maybe I could live with my husband. This wasn’t because I really wanted it (or thought I could do it), but because every other option seemed to have been exhausted and at least my husband wasn’t going to refuse to be with me for needing too much care.

2013: I moved to the hospital closest to where my husband and I had rented an apartment. This was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in life. First, my diagnosis of DID and PTSD got changed to borderline personality disorder. This should’ve been a warning sign.

2014: I had to change psychologists. My new one said at our first appt that she didn’t believe I’m autistic.

2015: My husband moved to our cuurrent house. I tried to arrange to be transferred again, but this was refused by my social worker and psychologist. I tried to make arrangements to be placed in supported housing in my new area, but got told that the train has to move on and I had to live with my husband.

2016: My autism diagnosis got removed and replaced by dependent personality disorder, BPD traits and depression not otherwise specified. The process by which this diagnosis came to be, was the weirdest I’ve ever seen.

2017: I got kicked out of the hospital with almost no after care. In my final week, I got some day activities arranged, but that was it. Thankfully, I did get my autism diagnosis back after seeking a second opinion. My current treatment team agree with this diagnosis.

2018: I had a mental crisis at day activities and was told I had to leave that place. Thankfully, I found another place. I started dialectical behavior therapy and movement therapy, but quit again too because I couldn’t really apply what I’d learned. I finally got put on an effective dose of my antidepressant.

2019: I currently get only suppportive counseling with my nurse practitioner. I still take the high dose of both Abilify and Celexa. Would someday like to lower my Abilify dose, but that’s something for the future.

Book Review: Finding Stevie by Cathy Glass

I bought Finding Stevie, Cathy Glass’ most recently published book, already shortly after it first came out in early March. However, I had a ton of books on my reading list, so I didn’t immediately start it. Then it took me a while to finish it, because I got distracted. Last Sunday I finally finished it, but didn’t feel like writing a review yet. I was having a bad cold and didn’t feel like writing much at all. Now my cold is gone, so I can write the review.

Synopsis

Finding Stevie is a dark and poignant true story that highlights the dangers lurking online.

When Stevie’s social worker tells Cathy, an experienced foster carer, that Stevie, 14, is gender fluid she isn’t sure what that term means and looks it up.

Stevie, together with his younger brother and sister, have been brought up by their grandparents as their mother is in prison. But the grandparents can no longer cope with Stevie’s behaviour so they place him in care.

Stevie is exploring his gender identity, and like many young people he spends time online. Cathy warns him about the dangers of talking to strangers online and advises him how to stay safe. When his younger siblings tell their grandmother that they have a secret they can’t tell, Cathy is worried. However, nothing could have prepared her for the truth when Stevie finally breaks down and confesses what he’s done.

My Review

I at first had some trouble getting through the first few chapters. I was curious what Stevie’s secret might be and didn’t find out till almost midway through the book. Then, I worried until nearly the end that the book might not end on a positive note. It seemed to drag on a bit, but eventually, I couldn’t help but love this book.

As the book carried on, I grew sympathetic towards every character. For example, Fred, Stevie’s grandfather, is very blunt and doesn’t accept Stevie’s gender identity at first. He reminded me of my own father, having very strong opinions that he wouldn’t let go of despite the evidence. However, in the end it is clear that Fred too loves his grandson.

Book Details

Title: Finding Stevie: A Dark Secret. A Child in Crisis.
Author: Cathy Glass
Publisher: HarperElement
Publication Date: February 21, 2019

Sunshine Blogger Award Again

Yay, I was nominated for a blog award again. Jill from Food, Feelings, Freedom nominated me for a Sunshine Blogger Award. I had already been nominated for this award about eight months ago, but am so happy for another award nomination. The idea of this award is that Jill poses eleven questions, which I have to answer. Then, I get to nominate eleven more bloggers and ask them eleven questions. Here are Jill’s questions.

1. What do you do when you’re having a bad day?

It depends. When I’m having a bad day, I mostly feel like sleeping, but I try to do other things to cheer myself up too.

2. What is one thing you are most proud of?

My writing abilities.
3. Do you have any pets? Want any?

Yes, my husband and I have a cat named Barry. I’d someday love to have a dog too.
4. What are three values you consider most important?

Respect, kindness, honesty. I think I got this question sometime a few months ago too, but can’t remember where I answered it, so I cannot look up whether I said the same then.
5. What are some of your hobbies?

Writing, reading, using the Internet.
6. What is one thing you would tell your childhood self?

Follow your heart! In other words, don’t do what others expect you to do if it doesn’t align with your feelings.
7. What is your favourite quotation?

I like many quotes, both funny and inspirational. My favorite quote is by Madeleine L’Engle and is about the fact that, the richer a character, the fuller of contradiction it is.
8. Where do you see yourself (what do you hope for your future) in 5 years?
I hope I’ll be living in a supported housing placement, doing day activities I like (at my current place maybe).
9. What is your biggest fear?
I guess abandonment.
10. What aspect of your life are you currently working on? (Work? Personal? Health?)
Mental health and finding an appropriate living situation.
11. What is a risk you took that paid off?
I don’t really know right now.

I am late writing this post, as Jill nominated me last week. I am also having a nasty cold as I write this, so I’m not up for a big challenge. For this reason, I originally didn’t intend on nominating anyone specifically. I thought for a bit that I should do it anyway, as leaving the nomination open seems annoying to me. However, screw it. I’m nominating the first eleven WordPress bloggers to see this post. Here are my questions for you.

  1. What is your biggest achievement in life?
  2. If you were to choose a college major now, which would you choose?
  3. Are you more a cat person, a dog person or maybe you’re a rattlesnake person?
  4. What’s your favorite color?
  5. Have you ever been to a farm?
  6. Are you a city, small town or rural area person?
  7. What is your taste in music like?
  8. How old were you when you spoke your first word?
  9. Where do you see yourself five years from now?
  10. What is your favorite mythical character?
  11. How long have you been blogging?