Struggle #WotW

I want to write so bad, but I’m struggling. Struggling to get myself motivated for writing. Or for anything. Struggling to write coherent sentences. Struggling with my thoughts floating through my mind. Struggling with pretty major depression. I’ve been in survival mode just a bit too long. Now I’m ready to crash.

I am participating in Word of the Week (or #WotW) for the first time on this blog. My word for this week isn’t a shiny, happy one. It’s “struggle”.

This week was an eventful one, yet nothing really did happen. If that sounds like a contradiction, it’s because it is.

Early in the week, it became obvious to me that my depression wasn’t lifting like I’d hoped it would. I mean, I’d hoped that, once my support coordinator was back from vacation and I’d have home support three times a week again, I would feel better. I didn’t. I felt worse.

Thankfully, my support coordinator offered to come by on Tuesday for an extra hour of home support. I am so happy she did, for I didn’t know how else to make it through the day.

On Wednesday, my support worker came by in the afternoon. We ran some errands and I thought I’d do better that day. Not so. In the evenng, when it became apparent my husband wouldn’t be home till past 7PM, I had a meltdown.

On Thursday, I slept in till past noon and again lay in bed for a bit at 2PM. I could’ve been in bed all day, but my support coordinator would be here by 3PM. Thankfully, she was able to motivate me to go for a walk. That was when I decided to start the process of hopefully getting into supported housing. I don’t have my hopes up, of course.

I know that if the powers that be see this post and conclude from here that I’m just struggling with depression, they’ll not provide funding. After all, treatment precludes support. Besides, mental illness only qualifies you for temporary support. So I’m hoping the powers that be will see my needs beyond depression. I’m also blind and have a brain injury and autism, after all.

Interestingly, I had no problem convincing my psychiatric nurse practitioner that I do need 24-hour support. He was one of the first to ditch the dependent personality disorder label I’d been given by my last institution psychologist. As he said when I called him on Friday, I may be a little dependent, but that’s normal because, duh, I’m blind. I’m not sure that’s entirely true, in that to my knowledge most people who are “just blind” don’t need as much support as I do. However, I’m not “just blind”.

The Reading Residence

6 thoughts on “Struggle #WotW

  1. So sorry to hear that you are struggling. I hope it helped a little to write it all down. I’m glad that you managed to get an extra hour of home support during the week and hope that you can manage to get into supported housing as well. #WotW

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling so much lately. Me too, so we’re not alone. I hope you’ll be able to get into supported housing and that it will help. As for being blind and being dependent, well I have an impression that just as many sighted people have a stereotype that a blind or generally disabled person has to be very dependent, the same way many blind people seem to be convinced that blind people have to be extremely independent, maybe even more than sighted people sometimes. Maybe I’mnot right, but many blind people I know seem to think, or rather act, as if they thought this way. I would rather think that each blind person – just as all the people in general – has their own limitations, often some coexisting disabilities/conditions like you and me, each has their own personality, skills and weaknesses, and so the level of dependence or independence varies naturally. Just my thoughts, but I guess that just the fact you’re blind and more dependent, maybe even a little more than the average blind person,can’tbe the reason for diagnosing you with DPD, I’d think there should be something more but well I’m not a specialist obviously so I may be wrong. But then, if it works this way, and that’s enough to diagnose it, I suppose I should be diagnosed with DPD too, probably.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your validation. Yay, you’re back!

      The way they diagnosed me with DPD is not how it’s supposed to work. DPD is characterized as much by passiveness and an inability to make your own decision as it’s characterized by clinginess and practical dependency. I asserted myself really well according to that same psychologist. I just claimed care she felt I didn’t need. The Center for Consultation adn Expertise psychologist involved in my case said it’s probably not about me at all but about the budget cuts to mental health.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, I’m also very happy to be back. 🙂 Missed ya and your blog and everything in the blogosphere. OMG, that’s so awful, I know well that such things happen, but still when I see that money’s prioritised over a human being itdrives me crazy. :/

        Liked by 1 person

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