Five Years

Today marks five years since our DID diagnosis got removed and changed to BPD. I’m not sure how to feel about it. I mean, that diagnosis was most likely incorrect but so is the BPD (which later got downgraded to BPD traits, which I do think we have but then again who doesn’t?). I mean, we rarely if ever experience amnesia and don’t go around disclosing ourselves when it’s not safe, but we do clearly exist as multiple identities.

Besides, the therapist who diagnosed us with DID at least took us more seriously than any before or after her (except for maybe our current psychiatrist, whom we just came out to three weeks ago). She didn’t allow us to be out with the nursing staff, which was okay’ish with us, but she did allow all of us to talk to her and didn’t try to fit us in a therapeutic box. The therapist who changed our diagnosis to BPD did, mislabeling Jane as a “punitive parent” and telling her to go away.

We at one point insisted on getting formal testing for DID. The therapist administered the SCID-D (a structured interview for diagnosing dissociation) to us but never finished the report. I wish she had even if it showed we’re fake. I mean, we have a right to information, don’t we? She also never responded to our E-mail, once our diagnosis was changed, asking her whether she’d ever suspected BPD in us.

I feel really odd now. I don’t know where we’re headed with regards to our mental health treatment. It’s all so scary. What if we’re really all imaginary? Since it’s unlikely we’ll ever be diagnosed with a dissociative disorder or get related trauma treatment again, will we ever learn to not exist?

A while back, someone asked in an FB group what happens to those misdiagnosed with DID after they get de-diagnosed. Whether their parts vanish. I don’t know really what I hope happens to us. I mean, we’ve tried to hide for a long time after our diagnosis got changed, but it was unsuccessful. We’ve tried to identify with the natural/endogenic multiple community before, since we felt not having a diagnosis meant we shouldn’t intrude upon the DID community. That was unsuccessful too. Does the fact that we can’t hide successfully for a long time mean we’re real after all, or does it mean I’m just terribly stubborn? I initially wrote “we” instead of “I”, but of course if we’re fake, we are not we anymore and never have been.

6 thoughts on “Five Years

  1. I hope you get answers. I think doctors misdiagnosis frequently in an effort to move you along. I don’t think you should feel like you’re intruding on the DID community if that’s where you can get the best help.

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    1. Thanks. Yeah, I get what you mean about doctors diagnosing people so they can move them on. I was misdiagnosed with dependent personality disorder for the sole purpose of having a reason to kick me out of the mental hospital in 2017.

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  2. I’ve been diagnosed with everything from manic depression to bi-polar to regular depression to schizophrenia to my current BPD diagnosis. Unlike you I truly think this is the correct diagnosis for me. I also suffer from OCD, PTSD, ADHD and Fibromyalgia. I’m a hot freaking mess 98% of the time. It’s pretty shitty the way the doctors have been minimizing your concerns. I’ve finally found a psychiatrist that I absolutely love. He’s brilliant, very blunt and to the point but also kind and makes sure I got something out of everyone of my sessions. He’s loaned me books from his personal library on BPD (that helped me tremendously in the early days of my diagnosis). If you have any questions or even rants about the Borderline Personality Disorder, I’m the resident know it all. I’ve read every single book, article and even some things in medical journals that I barely understood and had to break the words and phrases down and look them up separately. Thanks my old friend OCD.
    I hope that you find a doctor or treatment that works for you honey.xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t think your fake or it isn’t real. So many still do not want to put “labels” on people so they just treat and hope for the best or wait to see if anything improves. While others are to fast to put labels and do so without the right test or while halfassing the test. It comes down to finding the person who really cares and wants to do things right. These days it seems hard to find in any kind of medical field.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Finding a doctor you can really trust and work with can be so hard. Mine notified me in May that she was closing her practice and in typical fashion I buried myself in life all summer and didn’t deal with starting the search for a new one until last month. Now I can’t meet someone until November, but it’s not like I can complain, I did this to myself. I hope your new psychiatrist works out for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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