Saw our therapist today and discussed getting an evaluation at a trauma center. We’ve not yet decided whether to go for it, but our therapist will be on our side and refer us should we want to get this evaluation. I did discuss the issues with psychological evaluations triggering us, and why I’m not sure we can be completely honest. Now of course no-one can tell the absolute truth, but I fear we’re going to put up an image of either having nothing wrong with us or whatever the folks want us to be like. At the end of the session our therapist asked who I was, and I said my name and explained why I’m out in daily life. Then we were interrupted by the nurse cause time was up. Just as I wrote this, I was interrupted again by our named nurse asking whether I could come for treatment plan meeting tomorrow. That’s fine with me.
Hi I Suzanne. I want share we got stuffie sheep he’s name is meh-beh. I choosed that name cause I was saying sound of sheep and it’s beh but I say meh, then say beh. Meh-beh is at hubby’s house but I see stuffie cat Spookie here. Little say it’s hers but bigs say it’s mines too.
Trigger for eating disorders.
Okay, feeling odd. Some summer camp person tried to friend me on Facebook thinking I might be interested. Didn’t care to check my profile, just my friends list which is full of participants. Again, something I’m too old for. It’s not like I’d fit into any summer camp – we went to one once in 2000 and were horribly outcasted -, but argh. I want our body to be a teen again. Like be able to do teen things without getting strange looks. I wish we could make friends back when the body was a teen. Besides, I want all that freaking body fat to go away. I keep wanting to have our weight from when we’re a teen back. I know I need to lose a freaking amount of fat for that, but well. The camp was for eating disordered people. Heck we don’t even have a real eating disorder. The thought of this makes me want to purge.
Here’s some stupid rules for being a real multiple according to the Dutch DID community. At least, it’s what we’ve been told by our so-called support group folks both online and off:
- You can’t use jargon like “co-conscious”, “inner self helper”, etc. if you’ve not had your diagnoisis forever. This is not supposed to be familiar language to a person just diagnosed.
- Even if you know you’ve got parts because you’ve established a fair amount of communication, you can’t walk into your therapist’s office saying you experience parts in yourself. In fact, you cannot have obvious dissociative symptoms. According to what I’ve been told, saying things happen to you but not quite to you, is not appropriate either (which is what I really came into therapy with).
- You must’ve gotten into therapy with seemingly irrelevant symptoms like depression, self-harm, etc. Then it’s the therapist’s duty to figure out you’re multiple, but they can’t just straight out ask if you experience parts in yourself. On occasion, they can, but you must be completely clueless to the fact that it’s not normal.
- You must have some doubts about your diagnosis, and you must fear that it’s all real. If you fear you’re fake, you’re obviously already a faker.
- You must not switch too openly or demand switches be acknowledged, cause DID is something that’s supposed to be hidden. Keeping the dissociation hidden must be an end in itself. Note that you won’t get a diagnosis of DID if the diagnostician hasn’t seen you switch.
- You must want to integrate.
- You cannot have littles who write properly. You also cannot have littles who write improperly but on the right subforum, cause how are they supposed to know where to write? However, you can’t have alterrs write on the main forum either. Why else would there be specific forums for alters?
- You must recognize just enough of what other DID’ers, who obviously all are not fake, say they experience, but not too much. You must be able to articulate your experiences in your own words, and others determine whether you use your own words.
- You must have time loss, but how you’re supposed to know you have time loss, is unclear. You can’t just say you lose time when others come out, cause how do you know? You cannot say you don’t remember somethign when asked, because then obviously you could pretend you forgot. I don’t know how a therapist is supposed to realize you lose time if they cannot ask, especially given that implicit memory is often intact in DID, so DID’ers act like they do remember what other identities did.
- In meetings, you must present as the host (with the birth name) at all times. You must be oriented to the present if you want to participate in meetings. On the other hand, you cannot actually be the person with the birth name, cause that person must’ve gone to sleep, been gone at an early age or be totally unaware of any others. How are you supposed to come to a DID meeting if you are clueless about other personalities?
- You must have survived horrific abuse, but you cannot talk about it in meetings.
- You must validate others’ every experience, but you cannot say you can relate.
Trigger for language.
I’m fucking pissed off. I want all those stupid assholes who tell me I’m fake to shut up and sod off. It’s not like a trauma center specialist can make me go away. My T tried for fucking two years to make Astrid take full control and silence us. We’ve known for years that we’re many, long before we’d ever heard of DID. We may or may not technically meet the criteria for DID, but screw that. We’re many and no-one’s gonna tell me otherwise.
I’m terribly stressed out. Just spent over an hour on a really simple card for a cardmaking group. I guess honestly I took too much on my plate when I signed up for a shitload of cardmaking swaps then didn’t go to recreational therpay for most of this or last week. I don’t think I signed up really, but well, it’s got to someone in my head. I don’t honestly know who here it is that enjoys cardmaking really. I’d rather spend the day in bed. Got enough on my plate already taking care of all these littles and stuff.
Hi I’m Suzanne. I’m 7-years-old. I want talk. I am scared. Mini babie scared too. I play with barbie dollie, brush her hairs. Then I go eat. I want talk but strange man here, nurse I not trust.
Hi, this is Katinka. We’ve had a number of blogs for ourselves on a number of sites over the years, and after a while we’re returning to WordPress. I really hope this blog will stay active, as I do know a lot of mental health loggers here. I need to say a little about the fact that it’s me posting: a few months ago, we noticed that it wasn’t helping to push Astrid in front at all times. Astrid doens’t have a clue who she is or if she’s even real at all. Mostly it was Clarissa taking over anyway, or it was me but I had to pretend to be Astrid. We decided to make Clarissa, Kirsten and myself responsible for daily life. Astrid does occasionally come out, but she has no identity of her own, which is hard if you want to function in daily life as an adult.
In case we get readers who do not know us, I’ll say a little about our situation. At the moment, we reside in a mental institution. We have a wonderful husband of 1 1/2 years who visits us a few times a week and whom we spend (part of) the week-ends with. Besides our trauma-based conditions, we are autistic and blind. The parts vary in their degree of autism and some don’t acknowledge our blindness. We have been lookign for a qualified therapit for a while, because our regular therapist doesn’t have experience with DID. Earlier this year, we thought we’d foudn someone, but she ended up being unable to take on new clients. We’re now on someone else’s waiting list.